


heart on your sleeve like you’ve never been loved

by widowsally



Category: MCU, Marvel, Marvel Cinematic Universe, The Avengers (Marvel Movies)
Genre: Angst, Bucky Barnes Needs a Hug, Heavy Angst, Love Confessions, Love Letters, M/M, Mental Health Issues, Mental Instability, Mentions of Suicide, POV Bucky Barnes, Post-Endgame, Unrequited Love, mentions of torture, no happy ending
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-06-06
Updated: 2019-06-06
Packaged: 2020-04-11 21:45:10
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,670
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/19118302
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/widowsally/pseuds/widowsally
Summary: I’ve loved you since I can’t remember when and I’m gonna love you until my very last breath. Probably even after that.Or a very heavy angst of Bucky writing a letter to Steve after the events of endgame





	heart on your sleeve like you’ve never been loved

**Author's Note:**

> I’m really sorry for what you’re about to read

Dear Steve!

God, I hope you’ll never read this- if you do then I apologize in advance for everything I’m about to say. But at the same time I kind of hope that you will, because you are the only person I could ever imagine telling this to, and maybe it’s about damn time you knew the truth.  
The truth is that I’m a coward, Steve. The truth is that I never had the guts to tell this to your face because I have always known the look of disappointment is going to tear me apart worse than those Nazis did for 70 years. Because acknowledging it by saying it out loud would make me the worst person and even worse of a friend. Believe me, when I tell you I’ve tried, I’ve tried so hard to hide it, to pretend, to replace, not to feel the way I do. I tried for years, decades even until they took away my every memory of you. Until there was nothing else to mourn. 

But then you were there again, saving me from myself and the world from me, coming back to my life as if you were always meant to be there, filling an empty space in my chest I’ve long given up on since they told me you were gone. You came back.  
You came back and you brought peace into my life again, you didn’t give up on me even though you didn’t even know if there was anything left of me to fight for.  
I think you should have killed me. I should have killed me a long time ago. Maybe all those people would’ve still been alive. But most of all I wish I would’ve died on that train, to begin with.  
I was ready for it you know. The mission sounded clear enough but there were so many things that could’ve gone wrong and we were all soldiers, we should have all been ready to die at all times, but I kind of wasn’t, not before that day. I wanted to win the war, with you by my side, Steve. I’ve always believed in you even when you didn’t believe in yourself. I’ve never been more ready to die than I was that day.  
Because I was tired, Steve. God, I was so tired. I didn’t think I could take it any longer. The war, the pain, the torture, countless missions where I had to watch you risking your life not caring a damn about what’s gonna happen to ya- it was all too much. There’s only so much a man’s soul could take, only so far it could stretch until it breaks... hell I didn’t even know a half of it at the time.  
They said in the army that you know sometimes, with things like that, you have a gut feeling for that sort of thing. Turns out I wasn’t wrong. I did die on that train Steve, at least a part of me did. But what gave me peace about that is that I knew you would be fine, I knew you had her...  
Nothing they ever did to me and god knows it was a lot, you’ve seen the tapes, was even half as painful as watching you fall in love with her. I know you think I’m being selfish and you’re probably right. Hate me if you want to, I deserve it- curse me, forget me, erase every single memory of me from your mind or stop admitting to people you even knew me once- I will never stop loving you, Steve. I’m sorry.  
I’ve loved you since I can’t remember when and I’m gonna love you until my very last breath. Probably even after that. My whole heart and my very soul have always belonged to you. Just you alone. 

I tried so hard not to look, not to feel, not to want, I knew I was doomed from the start. Growing up in Brooklyn this sort of things weren’t talked about, you remember what happened to people like me. I got really good at pretending over the years, even set you up on double dates with me and my ladies, no matter how wrong and unnatural it felt for me to even go out with them at the first place...  
I’m a disgrace. I know. I’m sorry. I’m so so sorry. But loving you was never a choice. I know it was always my only purpose, the meaning of my very life- I was born to love you, Steven Rogers. And I’ve given you everything I could, everything of me you would have, anything you won’t find disgusting and unnatural because losing you have always been my greatest fear and my worst nightmare. I prayed to God I’ll never seize the day, that something will kill me sooner, anything but that. I’d take 70, hell I’d take a hundred more years of torture if it meant I didn’t get to see you go.  
But I did. 

I mean, I don’t blame you, I don’t know why you stuck around as long as you did. I would have left me sooner. Who needs a brain-damaged murderer friend around when you can have the love of your life. I just didn’t realize it would hurt this much. But my job was to protect you, to stand by your side for as long as you’ll have me, and if it comes to that- to let you go. She’s wonderful, and I’m glad you got everything you deserve. All I ever wanted was just for you to be happy.  
I can’t even imagine how you feel right now- lied to, troubled, terrified, disgusted? You have every right to... I don’t blame you. I tried so hard, I went to the fucking church and you know how much I hate those, but they just cursed me and sent me away, “hide, boy” he said, “hide it so far away God himself won’t find it even if he looked, and never step a foot on his holly land again. These doors aren’t welcoming for the children of Satan.” I still hoped it might go away. But no matter how many Hail Maries I read when I was lying next to you in our one bedroom apartment in Brooklyn, it never changed even the slightest bit of my feelings for you. Now you know why I always said I deserved everything that happened to me... maybe I was quick to dismiss Gods existence after all. What they did to me back there was pure hell- seems like an appropriate punishment for a sinner.  
I wish it was tortured out of me. Burnt out of my flesh, choked out of, beaten, drowned. But no matter what they did to me- I just kept screaming your name in the process. I was still hoping you’d come for me. Until they started wiping me, putting my brain in a blender over and over and over again. I kept saying your name as a mantra, trying to burn it into my brain, but one day it just lost its meaning, as the last memory of you I had left was gone. Maybe for some time my heart was at peace, hell I shouldn’t be thankful for it, those were the worst years of my life... But as soon as I remembered who Sergeant James Buchannan Barnes was, I remembered how deeply he was in love with Steven Grant Rogers.  
All that shit that has been happening ever since- SHIELD, HYDRA, cryo, the aliens, magic, Thanos, and I didn’t even get a chance to talk to you about her. I knew you still had your compass with her picture in it, it was damn obvious you missed her, you craved for that part of your life back, and I wanted to help you through it trust me I did, but how could I have said even a single word about moving on and finding someone else while being fully aware that if the situation was reversed I’d have just laughed to your face at the assumption that this kind of love can ever go away. Because I know there’s no one else for me, and there truly never can be. That’s why I don’t blame you for what you did. Leaving everything behind and clinging on to that moment of the past where you could have been happy, where you could get to live a life you’ve always dreamed about- god, love made me selfish too. That’s why I’m writing this letter right now. Because I’m selfish. Because it hurts. Because it hurts so much it’s hard to breathe. And because this selfish side of me needs to be heard... at least once.  
I never complained about it before. I realized what loving you meant for me from the start. I just hoped I might do something good for you in the process, be there when you needed me, make the best out of just being near you and I never cried for more, hell knows I never deserved it. Some people you just gotta love from the distance.  
I remember asking you if you really thought I was worth all this... I guess you realized I wasn’t after all. You are right. 

This a goodbye letter, Stevie, my last goodbye. Even if you never get to read this my conscience will be clear, as much as a conscience of the monster can ever be. 

There’s no happy ending to my story, Steve, and there never could be. Don’t mourn me- James Buchannan Barnes died on the train in French Alps in ‘45.  
I’m at peace, my life mission has been fulfilled- you’re safe. I will go in my sleep, and this is as much of a consolation for you as it is for me. Because I’ll get to dream for the last time. Because for as long as I can still dream- I will dream of you. 

Yours forever,  
Bucky.

**Author's Note:**

> I am a horrible writer you better watch my edit based on these stucky endgame vibes that I posted on my insta (@shieldceo) https://www.instagram.com/shieldceo/ . Sorry if this made you sad but I’m sad and I needed to let it out. Honestly though I’m not gonna lie Steve just leaving Bucky after everything he has done for him in all three movies that could’ve as well been named “Captain America and three times he saved Bucky Barnes” was extremely ooc and I refuse to acknowledge that ending whatsoever. I do, however, write this in order to conclude that in that particular timeline in that universe where Steve leaves Bucky (no matter how unrealistic) to be with Peggy, there’s absolutely no way Bucky is ever getting over it. In my head it ends like this. In that one timeline (and I refuse to believe there are more) out of an infinite number of worlds and timelines in the universe where Steven Rogers does leave- James Buchannan Barnes kills himself shortly after the events of endgame. As Sebastian Stan said in one of his interviews, and I quote- “Bucky’s relationship with Steve may be the only thing stopping him from committing suicide.”


End file.
